Medically Reviewed by Annamarie Coy, BA, ICPR, MATS
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Once you’ve completed steps 1 through 8 in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), it’s time to move on to step 9. Step 9 is the culmination of all the steps prior, which have helped you to take responsibility for your actions and admit your character flaws.
Step 9 in AA is:
“Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
You will take all your lessons and put them into direct action. Step 9 is an act of courage and an integral step toward your recovery.
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The 9th step in AA is about making amends, regardless of the outcome.
There’s a possibility that making amends could end a relationship. You could go to jail, face a significant fine, or suffer other serious consequences. It’s also vital that you don’t cause additional harm to the people you’re making amends with.
To complete this step, you must be willing to admit to and face the impacts your past has had on your life and others’ lives. Many AA participants find that dividing up the list you created in the 8th step helps them approach step 9.
You may want to divide your list up into:
Generally, AA participants should aim to make full amends as early as possible. But only as long as it causes no additional harm to the people you’re addressing.
Completing step 9 enables AA people to create new relationships as sober people. Many find that their guilt and shame no longer prevent them from recovering once they’ve moved through step 9.
There are four different types of amends you can make during AA. These include:
Direct amends are done face-to-face. They require you to take personal responsibility for your actions and reconcile with the person you’ve wronged.
Indirect amends are necessary when contacting the person you wronged is impossible or would cause harm. In some cases, writing a letter or sending an email is appropriate. However, sometimes no contact is better.
Living amends require you to demonstrate your lifestyle changes and discard destructive behaviors. With living amends, you show that you have learned from your mistakes and will make better choices in the future.
Your loved ones deserve living amends from you, whether they are alive or if they have passed. This is one of the best tools to make amends with a deceased loved one.
Financial amends require compensation to anyone harmed financially by someone’s alcoholism. For example, say you stole money from a loved one when you weren’t sober. Maybe you crashed their vehicle while driving drunk. The goal is to make right what you did wrong financially.
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It might be easy to recognize who you’ve hurt with your drinking. But figuring out how to make amends can be a different matter. The entire process of making amends can feel overwhelming.
When possible, and when it won’t cause additional harm, apologize in person. If you can’t do it face-to-face, use a handwritten letter instead of an email or a text message. Here are some tips to keep in mind when making amends:
In addition to apologizing, acknowledge your wrongdoing. This shows you understand what you did that hurt the other person. It shows that you are taking responsibility for your behavior.
Your loved ones must know that you are apologetic for what you did and the harm you caused. It’s not about feeling sorry that you were caught or that the person is unhappy with you. Be specific in your conversations.
Sometimes, writing down your thoughts and feelings beforehand can be helpful. A bit of preparation goes a long way in difficult situations.
Once you’ve apologized and acknowledged your wrongdoing, listen to the person and validate their feelings. This shows you understand how you hurt them and are willing to listen to their opinions and thoughts.
These conversations can be uncomfortable, but it’s important not to get defensive. You know what you did, and you’ve forgiven yourself. The best thing you can do is feel empathy for the person you hurt.
After listening and validating, ask if there is anything you can do to right the wrong. This shows that you’re willing to make up for your mistakes and are looking to do what you can to alleviate their pain. For step 9 to be successful, you must be willing to make things right.
Now that you’re putting your intentions into action, it might look different than expected. That’s okay. You aren’t making amends to get a specific reaction from someone.
Keep in mind not everyone will have your well-being in mind. Things may go differently than planned. You might be healing and growing in sobriety, but that doesn’t mean everyone else is too.
Suppose a response to your apology is manipulative or hurtful. In that case, telling the person you cannot fulfill their request is okay. Thank them for the opportunity to take responsibility for your mistake and move on.
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Step 9 can feel complicated and overwhelming. So AA created the Three R’s to simplify things. These concepts help you keep the amends-making process in perspective and include:
With restoration, you aim to bring something back to what it formerly was. If your alcoholism caused you to damage something, your goal is to restore it as much as possible.
With resolution, you aim to find a solution or explanation to the problems caused by alcoholism. You likely have past experiences that disturb you. In this step, you look for answers and solutions and finally lay these issues to rest.
With restitution, you aim to return anything taken from its rightful owner back to that owner. This includes property and money.
There are several questions you can ask yourself to help you work through step 9, including:
Step 9 includes a set of 12 Promises:
AA also says, “Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”
Once you have completed step 9, it’s time to move on to step 10. Step 10 in AA asks you to take a personal inventory of how far you’ve come. It also asks you to reflect on where you are in the present and your day-to-day life.
The purpose of step 10 is to acknowledge that your old habits don’t control you and practice self-examination to help continue this trend.
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